If I had a theme that encompasses my life it would be about holding on and letting go... The stages of grief by Elizabeth Kubler Ross would be the study of my lifetime, through formal and informal education, beginning with the passing of my grandma.
In highschool I lost my grandmother and this event inextricably shaped the course of my life. The bond I had with her was more like losing a parent than a grandparent. I was 19 years old when she passed. I was in college at the time studying Psychology and Spanish with a special interest in Gerontology. It was her death that tore my world apart because all through my childhood she represented the comfort and safety I knew to be true. As with every childhood, my memories weren't all bad with my parents. They truly loved me too, but my childhood had been about surving abuse and predators from inside the family. A betrayal and unkept secret that I could only write about in the confines of the written page heavily ladened with symbols and metaphors to keep me safe. Letting Grandma K. go was my first experience with death. I then began studying the stages of death, dying, and grief and for awhile it became my obsession. My education was in the public library because I had to drop out of college the first time.
In my first poetry book, Haunting Lucidity, I talk about there being no safety, comfort, time, left in the poem, Raw Meat. This poem, as the title suggests, is very raw, and is about so much more than I can explain in this way, because of all of the abuse that I have endured as a child and young adult. In its layers is how it felt being stripped from all safety at my core. It would take me a lifetime to discover how to rebuild myself again and I have done it multiple times. The stages of grief have been the key to rebuilding after suffering from many chronic conditons, including Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
I learned how to transform my trauma in the work that I did as a Peer Specialist at Lewis County Community Mental Health Center in Lowville, NY, as well as working in other human service agencies in Lewis County. I was a pioneer in the field at LCCMHC and a valued member of a team of clinicians who valued my expertise as a trauma survivor and having had personal experience navigating the mental health system. For the next twenty years, I worked with trauma survivors, primarily using my knowledge from the years of college I completed, on the job trainings, and became known in Lewis County service agencies from the poetry I would share and perform at various venues and events both at work and outside of work. I was successful at transforming trauma and reaching and inspiring others to do the same. My work is not done by any means, " I am still daring to rewrite my script..." I share in the poem, Page.
The stages of grief have also helped me in learning how to hold on and let go of my growing children. In my 2nd poetry book, Shadow Dancing, I encapsulated the pure joy of motherhood and paid tribute to my first born and second born children who are both on their way to a world of adventure and promise. Joel is in college and Mandy is completing highschool this year and is on her way to college too. I am a proud parent and this book really captured the times I spent being a glowing mother in my early thirties.
I have had to employ the coping strategies of grief to let go of my first husband and the life that we shared. Divorce is the longest grief there is in my opinion, because you never want to let go of your children...and sometimes recounting the memories with your adult children can be both joyful and a bit like tearing of a bandaide, reopening a wound. I did finish my two year degree in a Community College in Jefferson County. (JCC) during this time.
Now I am in the prime of my life and I am in love with William Lee Draper, who I "married" in a committment ceremony through my church. We are the unbeatable team and he shares my love of the arts. He is an avid musician and I have been... in the privilege of his room... for 16 years. He is my "Emotional Essence" (which is the title to my 3rd book of poetry).
We are raising a child who is full of Joy and energy and her love abounds with every step. She would be the child my mother always warned me about. "Some day you will have a child just like you..." Well, Sunsetta Cavanagh-Draper is all her own person, but I am reminded of myself in the most challenging and loving ways. I may have even met my match! She is my "joy personified" as my grandma K. once said about me. Her name given to her by her father explains her beautiful and sunny nature. She is my youngest and the only child that Bill and I share.
Sunsetta is a child with special needs and with that, I feel, makes me an expert on holding on and letting go on a daily basis. It requires all of the education, formal and informal, and employs my patience, everyday, as I help home school her in the age of this pandemic. Together, as a family, we learn how to embrace our disabilities and venture out learning how to let go of fear. Each day is a new day full of promise of new beginnings.
My faith in God continues to sustain me in every life stage and I rejoice in the power of the Holy Spirit that never ceases to amaze me. In this blog entry, I have tried to illuminate how I have been enlightened over time by an event that was once traumatic now only gives my life more meaning and precious memories to draw from. The passing of my grandmother has enriched my life more than it has taken away. She has given me the gifts and fruits of being a good mother and human being overall. She never spoke to me about religion or God, but I did see a buddha statue in her belongings which always as a child made me curious about the existence of other religions opening up my mind for non-judgement and world views. My father, her son, would become another teacher of mine and I get my optimistic attitude and idealism from him. I cherish my life's journey so far and it is my hope that I will continue to reach and inspire you.
As you go about your daily round, it might be useful to think about:
Who has inspired you?
Who are your life coaches and mentors?
What philosophy enlightens you?
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